Adventures in Adulting: Episode 2 Most adults are really just massive kids

I remember really looking up to adults as a kid. I mean, they could drive, carry heavy things, turn door knobs, make food and always seemed to know what to do.

But once you’ve been out in the “real world” for a few years, you realize that no matter how old people are they’re only slightly upgraded versions of their kid selves.

The Donuts

Take, for instance, the amount of swooning adults do over “yummy treats”.

When you’re a kid, sweet cereal is life. So is candy.

And while adults might try to eat “grown up” food, as soon as donuts show up in the break room all bets are off.

Doesn’t matter what kind of donuts appear in the company kitchen, it always draws a crowd.

This crowd usually lends itself to all kinds of thrilling small talk…

… “This really isn’t on my eating plan”

“You only live once, what’s one doughnut?”

“That’s a real temptation right there.”

“Why do people have to bring these in? Don’t they know I have no self control?”

“You see they key is to cut them into small pieces so you don’t have the guilt or the calories that come with a whole one”

People act like they’ve never seen a donut before. They make excuses to eat them or judge the people that scarf down more than one.

The point is, all we need to revert back to being kids is a dozen donuts (preferably Hot’N’Now from Krispy Kreme).

The Tattle Tale

Another example of this is the office tattle tale. No, I’m not referring to a Seinfeld episode, this person actually exists.

There was a time when the masses of kindergarteners really would ostracize kids that told on other kids. Even at an early age, snitching isn’t cool.

So naturally when you grow up you assume that people don’t tattle, especially when there’s not really anyone to tattle to…

But you’d be wrong.

After being called into HR the other day, I thought… “well, it’s been fun. Where’s my severance?”

But I didn’t get fired.

Instead, HR proceeds to tell me my cologne (it’s aloe for my dry scalp, but whatever) is too strong and she had gotten complaints.

Imagine my relief. Here I am thinking I’m going to get canned. Turns out I’m just smelly.

I get it, the olfactory senses are strong. I’ve got a sensitive nose myself. But if I knew someone that smelled bad (or too good) I’d either get so sick of it I’d tell them myself or I’d just deal with it, I’d never think to tell HR.

Everyone I’ve talked to (even my mom) has agreed, telling HR was a real kiddie move.

I mean really, you can’t just tell me? Are you 5? Do you think I’m 5 and not going to invite you to my birthday party if you told me to my face? Good. Grief.

TV Shows and Movies

If food accounts for 40% of all office conversations, TV shows and movies account for at least 58%.

We’re all so excited about Game of Thrones, House of Cards, Seinfeld (yes, I’m late to the game but I couldn’t help being born during season 5), West World, Narcos… I don’t have to time to make a full list but you get the picture.

And if conversation isn’t about a specific show or movie, it’s about how someone is appalled that somebody else hasn’t seen a film or the latest episode of this or that.

In my case I usually get a harrowed look whenever it comes up that I’ve never seen an episode of the Simpsons or all of the Harry Potter Movies (thanks, mom and dad).

Just like our 5-18 year old selves, we still get excited about going to the movies and getting to watch TV all day.

And, if you’re the type that doesn’t watch TV, you hold it over everyone’s head that you’re more grown up than the rest of us because your busy schedule doesn’t allow for such childish activities.

Do us all a favor and shut up about how TV is bad for you, you snobby gasbag.

Lavar (freakin) Ball

If you don’t know who he is, he apparently was better than MJ back in the day. Here’s a clip of some his greatest hits.

Now, some would say he’s an anomaly. But he’s not an anomaly because of his personality and the way he brags about his boys. He’s an anomaly because he’s actually somehow managed to make it into the national spotlight and become somewhat of a phenomena.

Lavar, as one commentator on ESPN said, is the stereotypical AAU dad. And if you’ve ever been to any high school, even middle school, sporting event you’ve most likely experienced the over zealous parent.

They’re everywhere really. You’ve got parents who push their kids in academics, music, theater, art, anything you can do  as a kid, there are parents out there bragging loudly that their child is the best.

Playing basketball in high school I ran into this all the time. Of course the middle school and JV coach had his boys on the team and of course they played more than other more deserving kids.

Sheesh. Kids these days…

Being a Grown-Up is Impossible

I always wanted to be an adult. When I was 4 I once told someone that I was 26.

Now that I’m 23 it seems unlikely that I’ll ever be a grown up…

…Not because I’ll never mature, but because I’ve come to the realization that we’re all just kids.

Sure, some of us might make a lot of money, drive fancy cars, raise children, and hold positions of “power”. But further examination shows that humans are all incredibly childish in some way shape or form.

Some gripe, some think they’re the best, some have quick tempers, some cheat, some steal, some lie, some squabble with people they don’t like, some still live with their mommies and some still don’t eat their veggies.

Really, the pressure to be the perfect, responsible adult is off.

Because we’ve all got some growing to do.